Public Comment

My latest diagnosis is: "Atypical Psychosis." It was given to me by an unknown doctor at psych emergency in Martinez. The translation: I have psychosis and it impairs my ability to function in life. It does not sound as scary as "Schizophrenia: Paranoid-Type." And it sounds less severe than "schizoaffective disorder."

However, I have been spending long hours staring off into the space in front of me, with my thoughts jumbled and disorganized but not loud, and me not writing, and not doing anything productive or enjoyable. It makes me wonder, is my psychiatrist being straightforward with me? It is a question brought about by paranoid thinking.

The past year has been more difficult than anything I have seen in the past twenty. I am affected by multiple environmental factors. I am in a very different environment from what I'd been in for two decades. The strain of adapting makes it difficult just to survive and to meet my basic needs. My writing has been affected. Everything has been affected.

Surprisingly, I have not fallen apart. I continue to have neuroplasticity. I have become acclimated to the current conditions in which I live. There are some difficult aspects to how I live, and there appears to be some level of danger. Yet, I've taken steps, some of them external and some internal, toward adapting. And now it is harder for me to claim my environment is bad for me. And this is probably a good thing. 

I might have to wait decades or indefinitely for my living conditions to conform to my expectations. I would be waiting for a situation that would probably never happen. On the other hand, as I have begun to make friends where I live and have increased exercises in mindfulness, I have become more at ease, and this spills over into most of what I try to do. 

To be well and do well, for a person with psychotic issues, we must feel safe in our surroundings, we must not feel inundated with things that detract, and we must be medicated. We need the basic physical needs met, such as food. 

If, according to your doctor, you don't really need medication, it is harder to know whether you have a mental illness. You might be a member of the worried well. The reader should not take the forementioned sentence as an opening for quitting your prescribed medication. If a doctor prescribes it, you need it. Yet if a doctor believes you don't need medication, they may be right. If you don't agree with your doctor, get a second opinion from another doctor. 

However, if you don't need medication but if a mental condition stops you from holding a job and stops you from being able to adapt and to do what is needed, then maybe you have a psychiatric condition. Some people have "disorders", (I prefer to call them "conditions") that don't call for medication. In my case, I absolutely need medication and I respond well to it. 

Concerning other people than me, I couldn't tell you. I'm an expert at my own problems, but I don't have the experiences of a treating psychiatrist. They would know what it is like to work with a wide and diverse cross-section of their patients. 

If I am in a position of "teacher", then my teaching is through example. If I can be a good example of making the most of what is offered, it could help many of my readers. 

My philosophy is that of cooperation wherever possible. It is an example of nonviolence and non-abuse. It is that of accomplishing the most with the least effort. And many more things. I try to think about things and understand what will work and what won't. 

I don't believe in a "work ethic" entailing self-punishment. If I work at a task, I far prefer it is from a space of being happy. I might wait twenty minutes before picking up the floor and get myself into a more positive mental state so that I can be happy while I pick up things on the floor. This is not as efficient as immediately doing what I think I ought to do. But since I am not a lawnmower or laundry machine, efficiency doesn't need to be the only consideration. 

I participated in the New Age Spirituality Movement of the nineteen eighties. It espoused being happy on the inside regardless of what the external environment has to dish out. And to an extent this is very valid. Yet there are some notable exceptions. And if you think life is going to work by "reprogramming" yourself, you stand a chance of falling flat on your face. To resolve a problem, you have to take action. Life is uncomfortable, period. 

For me, ideally, work is like play. With many kinds of work, I don't find inherent happiness; I need to change my attitude to at least make it tolerable. I can sometimes get into the joy of cleaning up after myself. Yet this varies, and there are times when I hate cleanup. On the other hand, a cockroach never hates to feed on your food mess. (The same goes for an army of ants, some will invade your space just so they can access water.) 

To be balanced we should not be entirely unfamiliar with work. An appropriate level of laziness, astoundingly, is a virtue--it will inspire you to find easier ways to accomplish a given task. We should not go through life with the idea of doing everything in the hardest possible way. Self-punishment is not a virtue. It's right up there with self-hate. 

A mental illness can have less impact on us when we do something entirely unrelated to mental illness, psychiatry, or any institutionalized mumbo jumbo. An institutionalized life never lets you forget you're not normal. Finding areas in life where we can have and be some semblance of normal will inspire happiness and wellness. A game of badminton. A trip to the beach. A meal at IHOP. 

In my future, I hope for better living conditions. Part of this includes pleasing at least some people other than me. To some I might be seen as rude and abrasive. Yet where I live, I am thought of by some as a good tenant. I'm hoping to live at a better property in which conditions are more comfortable. Meanwhile, I need to continue to adapt. 

Jack Bragen lives in Martinez, California, and writes commentary and fiction.